We kind of feel like having a drink, and we were wondering where the best place to get trashed (and more) without being seen by the sneaky Roque paparazzi would be. But we couldn’t find West New York’s definitive source on the (Miller) High Life, Gerry “Happy Hour” Lange, anywhere! Where has America’s 3rd favorite permanently damaged liver (after Dean Martin and Rush Limbaugh) gone to these days? Why has he left Alcalde Sal’s side, leaving him alone and cold in a world where he could easily catch swine flu or become possessed by a demon?

Happy Hour is the worst sidekick ever. And we aren’t getting any drunker waiting for him to come out of his self-imposed hibernation.

If we’ve been a bit sparse here at QVWNY, it’s because we have been spending a lot of time analyzing certain changes in Alcalde Sal’s appearance that are raising red flags (and, no, we’re not talking about his chic new pompadour haircut). There’s just something about his alarmingly red eyes, his new habit of constantly chewing the inside of his mouth, and outrageous claims that he is the “fastest” mayor of Hudson County that screams demonic possession, and we’re not taking any chances.

We were concerned enough to give Padre Alberto a ring (not “Tareco”, but Father Cutie), but Miami’s favorite Episcopalian is too busy these days enjoying his new Protestant conjugal liberties to be bothered with our little Alcalde. This minor setback aside, we are calling for some heavy-duty divine intervention—a real exorcist to clean up Alcalde Sal’s act. So we are now turning to the greatest exorcist in America: Bobby Jindal. Jindal, who gave up all hope of being a Republican presidential contender when he confessed to the news media that he has previously performed successful exorcisms, is on his way to save the souls of Alcalde Sal and his vampire friends, The Passante and Guayavito. We need all the help we can get to restore Alcalde Sal and the Alcalde Sal Squad (ASS) to their regularly scheduled activity of booze-swigging, white-horse-riding, and being slapped in the face at local high school graduations.

The Passante

Ingredients

2 Shots Premium Tasha Vodka

1 Shot Johnny Walker Red Label

1 Shot Captain Morgan’s Rum (no Bacardi or non-English speaking rum)

1/2 Glass Crane Lake Specialty Merlot 2003

1/2 Glass Lemonade

1 Maraschino Cherry

Mix the shots in a larger glass. Add half of lemonade and stir. Add cherry, then proceed to mix in the wine and lemonade.

The three premier bartenders we consulted to create this specialty drink helped us perfectly encompass the personality of everyone’s favorite vampiric Town Hall she-devil Janet Passante: forceful, dangerous, malignant, racist, bitter, cheap and plenty of articifical red (for the hair). Of course, since Janet herself is a known Creature of the Night, it is rumored that she likes her “Passante” spiked with a bit of children’s blood. We, uh, prefer a maraschino cherry, thanks.

In order to enjoy this beverage, we suggest taking a few drinks beforehand to numb the senses and make sure to have a designated driver around to clean up the inevitable mess afterward. Oh, and be responsible- no drinking and governing!

Drumroll please…

The grand prize goes to “Anonymous” for this charming caption idea- congrats!! We judged all entries based on their comedic value, appreciation of Sal Vega’s hair, and obscure comical references to Hudson County Politics or hilarious Latino cultural items. Of course, we also took into considerating the relevance to the photo, so while some entries were spectacular, they did not particularly match this photo.

Congrats, “Anonymous”!! Feel free to send us a photo of your choice (nothing dirty- unless one of our favorite characters is involved) and we’ll gladly write a piece on it.

We would also like to give an honorary mention to Rodrigo Lopez for referring to everyone’s favorite drink, the Passante (stay tuned for our exclusive recipe!): “”The recall is a figment of their imagination, just relax and have a “Passante” on me!”

And congrats to all our participants. Turnout was amazing, and remember that you are always welcome to suggest post ideas via our comments section or our email. Stay tuned for upcoming sweepstakes and the all the news on Our Town that no other publication is willing to print!

Exciting news WNYers – Alcalde Sal has just announced his latest initiative to fight back against the unseasonably cold spring weather. According to our dear Alcalde, days of weather below 70 degrees are set to be a thing of the past after he installs his planned WNYDome (see original project sketch below). According to city hall, the WNYDome will be installed all around our fair city, and will have massive heaters and A/C units attached to its lofty glass roof. The project is set to cost $30 million – double the city’s current budget deficit – but Countess Janet Passante explained that the costs will be completely covered by the city’s collection of massive amounts of tax revenue under “Plano 47.” (Passante was also quick to mention that the WNYDome would be tinted, allowing her for the first time to wander out into the glorious WNY sunlight without bursting into a flaming pile of Passantevampiredust!) Good luck, Alcalde Sal and friends!

We like to think of ourselves here at QVWNY as a group of commited democrats fighting the good fight for The People’s Liberty… or something. However, we have gone all Alcalde Sal totalitarian on our audience for quite sometime, without letting you guys get a word in outside of your ever-eloquent comments. So today, we’re going to try something a little different.

Think you can do a better job captioning photos than us? Well, here’s your chance to prove yourself! Send us an email at QueVolaWNY@gmail.com with the subject line “Alcalde Sal Pollada” with your best shot at humorously captioning the following photo:

The winner of the contest will get the intrepid crew at QVWNY to provide custom commentary on a photo of their choice. Any photo. Contest ends next Wednesday!!

Dear QVWNY Readers, As we all know, Alcalde Sal is the brightest star in the constellation Lyra, the fifth brightest star in the night sky and the second brightest star in the northern celestial hemisphere, after Arcturus. He is a relatively nearby star at only 25 light-years from Earth, and, together with Arcturus and Sirius, one of the most luminous stars in the Sun’s neighborhood. However, Alcalde Sal is relatively low in metals and is therefore said to be a weak Lambda Boötis-type star. What we’re just coming to learn, is that Alcalde Sal’s excess emission of infrared radiation caused his ever present circumstellar disk of dust! It is possible that a massive collision of solid objects caused the ring that we now always see around Nuestro Querido Alcalde!

UPDATE: As our dedicated reader, Gomez Portales Ponce de Leon, just pointed out, the above information is actually about the star called Vega, and not *our* star called Alcalde Sal Vega. Apologies for our mistake!

No more SlimFast at Town Hall! It looks like Alcalde Sal has gone off his diet and is back to eating his feelings :-( No official statement has yet been released by WNY officials on how Alcalde Sal plans to get back his bangin’ beach bod for the summer down the shore!

We were so glad to hear that you’re an avid reader of QVWNY that we thought you deserved a special shout out!

Since we’re sure you have lots of free time in the office, we wanted to suggest some interesting reading for you. They might be a bit long, so you can always ask your lawyer for a summary!

Hustler Magazine, Inc et al. v. Jerry Falwell

New Times, Inc et al. v. Bruce Isaacks

xoxo

PS You have no reflection in mirrors!

Tomorrow will be our two-week anniversary since going live, but we’ve already somehow managed to win the hearts of at least 1,000 West New York residents. Thanks for your support!! Today we received this special message from our #1 fan, Alcalde Sal, in honor of our 1000th hit:

“Let us know what you think! Use the comment feature after each photo and email your own submissions to quevolawny@gmail.com!”

Alcalde Sal was recently seen entering a 5-star fallout shelter in WNY along with Gerry “Happy Hour” Lange, Alberto “Tareco” Rodriguez, and that lady whose name everyone forgets. After increasing taxes in WNY by 47%, Alcalde Sal started to notice some scary side effects (like Happy Hour’s radioactively bright orange skin.) He then decided it was time to put on his favorite fedora, and retreat to the shelter until he emerges in 2011 when his conversion of WNY into a Communist state is complete!